My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Would Never Ever Do! (Part 1)

January 29, 2014

A bucket list is a list of things you would like to do or accomplish before you die.  The origins of the term in all probability come from another turn of phrase - "kick the bucket," i.e. to die.  This term became especially popular in 2007 when the movie, "The Bucket List," starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, came out.

Lots of people have bucket lists.  There are quite a number of websites dedicated to collecting and compiling such lists.  This blog post is not one of those.  My list is an "Anti-Bucket List."  It is a list of things I would never, ever do - even if you paid me, which of course, you won't.  You see, I'm not a proud man.  I will readily admit that I embrace many fears and anxieties.  Rather than viewing these phobias as a character flaw, I see them as protecting me from my own foolishness, and therein keeping me alive much, much longer than those people who have actual bucket lists.  Who knows when one of the items on such a list is going to backfire on you and drastically shorten you life?

I won't draw this out much further.  Here is ...

My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Would Never, Ever Do!

* Skydive

Are you kidding me???  Jump out of a perfectly good plane going 120 m.p.h. at 10,000 feet in the air with only a piece of well-folded fabric to save you from certain death?  I don't think so.  Plus, I have severe acrophobia - the fear of heights.

* Get a tattoo

My belly button and freckles are the only body art that I need.  I also suffer from aichmophobia - the fear of needles.

* Swim with sharks

Have you seen those flimsy little metal cages that are supposed to protect you while you swim with the world's most dangerous fish?  I've seen Jaws and that's as close as I want to be to a great white.  Besides I have ichthyophobia, which is the fear of fish; and then there is also my phagophobia - the fear of being eaten.  I have no intention of being some shark's appetizer. 

* Go on a cruise

Can you say, "Norovirus?"  I watch the news.  I know how many of these behemoth ships end up stranded in the middle of the ocean with no power, water or working toilets.  Like I'm going to pay a $1,000+ dollars for that experience.  Anyway, I have my thalassophobia to cope with, which is the fear of oceans and deep water.  I get seasick just going to the beach for an afternoon.

* Run a marathon

Me?  Run a marathon?  Hahahaha!!!  I came in last in a Kingsport Fun Run Race back when Lynn and I were first dating.  In any event, I am a student of history.  I know what happened to Pheidippides - the very first marathon runner.  He died at the end of his race.  I will continue to just walk, thank you very much.  And, as you might imagine, I also suffer from thanatophobia - the fear of dying.

* Visit every continent

Antarctica has already been conquered.  Australia is mostly hot, arid desert.  Then there is the matter of my hodophobia - the fear of travel itself.  Home, sweet home, I say.

* Go on a safari in Africa

I am no Teddy Roosevelt.  In fact, I am no hunter of any sort.  While I do have the desire to see the beautiful and exotic animals of Africa, the National Zoo and a camera will have to do.  Did I mention that I have agrizoophobia - the fear of wild animals, especially those roaming loose on the Serengeti.

* Climb Mount Everest

In May 1953, Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay stood alone together at the very top of the world.  These days, the summit is more congested than Washington, D.C. traffic.  In 2012, 236 people reached the peak in a single day.  If I wanted to stand in lines, I would go to Disney World.  There is also the matter of my altophobia, the fear of heights.  Mount Everest is over 29,000 feet.  I get queazy standing on a step ladder.

* Go paintballing

What is it with guys who like to have fun shooting things at each other?  As a kid, I loved to play "war" and shoot suction cup darts at my friends, but I gave that up when I was 11 or 12.  Paintballing at age 53?  I'll pass.  There is also the matter of my ballistophobia - the fear of being shot.  Considering that every day in the U.S. an average of 289 people are shot - a fear such as this is well founded.

* Shoot a gun

I have never, ever shot a firearm.  Nor do I ever want to.  Simple as that - that, and hoplophobia - the fear of guns, which in my opinion is a reasonable fear to have.  Also, see ballistophobia above.

* Spend New Year’s Eve in Times Square

My daughter, Cora, has done this.  That is sufficient for me.  I'll live through her experience.  Besides, you have to get to Times Square very early and stand in the freezing cold for hours upon end.  Did I mention that there aren't any bathrooms?  So you've either got to hold it, or buy a supply of Depends.  I should also mention that I suffer from chronophobia - the fear of time itself.  I don't need a crystal ball reminding me that yet another year has passed in my life.  Live for today, I say.  Carpe diem!

Part 2 of My Anti-Bucket List Tomorrow!

Cheers,

Steve

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