My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Would Never Ever Do! (Part 2)

January 30, 2014


My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Would Never, Ever Do! (Part 2)

Yesterday, I shared with you certain activities that will never make it to my bucket list.  Today's post continues those things that will not make the cut because of the many phobias that I possess.  Let's just say that I like to play it on the safe side of things.

If you missed Part 1 of my Anti-Bucket List blog from yesterday, you can view it here.

Cheers,

Steve

* See the Aurora Borealis

Not to brag or anything, but I have seen light shows in the sky before - fireworks on the Mall in Washington, D.C.  So that was pretty cool.  Why would I need to travel to the far North to see yet another light show?  There aren't even any explosions at this one.  There's that, and the fact that I suffer from auroraphobia - fear of Northern lights.

* Learn Chinese as a Second Language

I've thought about learning another language.  One could make some big bucks being able to speak Chinese and English.  But I've decided that Chinese is just too darn hard.  You have to even learn pitch as well as pronunciation.  Can't you believe that???  But as you have probably guessed, that isn't the only reason.  I have Sinophobia - fear of the Chinese culture, as well as xenoglossophobia - fear of foreign languages, not that I am a cultural or linguistic snob, mind you. There is also the matter of my sophophobia - fear of learning itself. Forget being a life-long learner. I'm all for dumbing down!

* Ride/Drive in a NASCAR Race

Yes, you do not need to point out to me just how popular NASCAR is.  I'm sure that there are thousands of people who would give their right arm to be inside one of those cars during a race.  But not me.  First, there is my amaxophobia - fear of riding in a car, never mind that it is a race car. There is also my tachophobia - fear of going really, really fast. And last, but not least, my dystychiphobia - fear of accidents. I have anxiety just driving myself to the grocery store.

* Run With the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain

This is a good one.  I watch the Today Show.  Every year they show those idiots, inspired by Ernest Hemingway, who throw all caution to the wind and willingly let bulls with horns chase them.  Last year, 16 people were hospitalized because of injuries.  One guy was gored twice!  And over the last 100 years, 13 people have died.  13!!!  Apart from the fear of death, which I mentioned yesterday, I also have taurophobia - fear of bulls, which in my opinion is a perfectly rational fear to have.

* Flying in a Hot Air Balloon

Please!  Do I need to even mention why I won't do this?  Heights, man, heights!  That, and my illyngophobia - the fear of having vertigo or feeling dizzy when looking down.

* Go Parasailing

You already know that I won't skydive.  Why in heaven's name would I willingly strap a parachute on and let myself be pulled by a speed boat across open ocean waters?  What would happen if the cord securing me to the boat broke?  Who knows where I could end up?!  So there's that, and my ancraophobia - fear of wind.

* Drink Champagne at the Top of the Eiffel Tower

Haven't you heard of "Freedom Fries?"  France is soooo passe!  In addition to my Francophobia - the fear of French culture, I also have dipsophobia - fear of drinking.  So let's cross that off my list.

* Ride Virgin Galactic into Space

How could anyone who is afraid of flying still be willing to shot into space?  Richard Branson's newest endeavor, Virgin Galactic, proposes to take folks like you and me - make that just you - who have $250,000 to throw around and achieve sub-orbital space and the experience of weightlessness in the very near future.  Yes, you too can be an astronaut!  But not me.  My astrophobia - the fear of stars or celestial space - will just get in the way. I'll keep my feet firmly grounded, thank you very much!

* Bungee Jumping

Jump from a bridge (or some other very scary high place), tied to nothing but a giant rubber band, bouncing up and down like a human yo-yo?  I'd rather ride Virgin Galactic than do this.  Besides, I have catapedaphobia - the fear of jumping from high places. Guess I should cross off cliff diving in Mexico, too.

* Go Caving

Lynn and I have a very dear friend, Meredith, who is a supreme caver and loves the idea of traversing the deep, dark places under the Earth's surface.  As much as I admire her skill and bravery, I don't think I will be joining her ranks.  First, there is my claustrophobia - fear of confined spaces. Then there is my achluophobia - fear of darkness. And thirdly, my chiroptophobia - fear of bats. I should note that I have been to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, but it was so well lit and easy to access. That's as close as I am going to caving.

* Win the Multi-Million Dollar Lottery

First off, I don't play the lottery.  I've taken math and probability, so I know the odds.  Plus, I'm morally opposed to it as a tax on the poor.  But what if I did play and actually won?  Then I would have to deal with my hylephobia - fear of materialism, as well as my plutophobia - fear of wealth itself. I would be absolutely paralyzed by that amount of money. I would have to just give it all away. So why play in the first place?

* Crowd Surf in a Rock Concert

Even at a Bruce Springsteen concert, I don't think I could do this, as much as I love Bruce.  There is my demophobia - fear of crowds; my aphenphosmphobia - fear of being touched; and that's not the worst of it, I also have chirophobia - fear of hands! Really, where have they been recently? Does anyone have sanitizer handy? Germs! Germs! Germs!

* See the Tulips and Windmills in Holland

I loved the story of Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates as a boy, still I must cross this off my list.  You see, I have both anthrophobia - fear of flowers (really, how does one take in the vast multitudes of tulips?) and also Dutchphobia - the fear of the Dutch. What kind of people wear wooden shoes?

* Pose Nude for Erotic Calendar for Charity

You know, the prudish English seem to go for this kind of thing quite often.  But I must protest myself doing so to my British cousins.  First, there is my gymnophobia - fear of nudity. I mean really - have you seen me nude? I seriously doubt it, nor might you want to. That's not to say I'm too shabby for a 53 year-old, but I'm no Burt Reynolds in the 1970s posing in Cosmo. Also, there is the matter of my catagelophobia - fear of being ridiculed.  I need not say more.

* Ride the Orient Express

How romantic that would be to some - especially to fans of Agatha Christie.  But train travel is just not what it used to be, that and my siderodromophobia - fear of trains, railroads and train travel itself.

* Judge the Miss America Pageant

What red-blooded America male would pass up an opportunity like this?  This American male - that's who!  One reason is that I don't like to judge people - for better or for worse.  Who am I to judge?  Then there is my venustraphobia - fear of beautiful women.

* Get Elected to Public Office

Throw the bums out?  I say let them stay - that way we can keep an eye on them!  Me run for elected office - just ludicrous I say.  First I would have to overcome my politicophobia - fear or abnormal dislike of politicians. I think I am not alone in this phobia. Then I would have to deal with my kakorrhaphiophobia - fear of failure or defeat. And if I actually won a race, I would have to own up to my hypengyophobia - fear of responsibility. This last phobia is shared by much of our current Congress, I believe.

* Visit Athens, Greece (or Other Really Old Places)

I'm sure Athens is an absolutely beautiful place and I know from personal experience that the Greeks have awesome food.  Can you say "baklava" or "gyro"?  Alas, I have a nagging case of atephobia - fear of ruins. The Acropolis would just creep me out.

* Attend the Cirque du Soleil

Speaking of being creeped out, I avoid the circus - any circus - like the plague.  No matter how cool that circus may be - and from what I hear the Cirque du Soleil is way cool - there will always be the issue of clowns.  Like so many, I am afflicted with coulrophobia - fear of clowns. Read Stephen King's book, "It," sometime. Clowns are dangerous and to be avoided at all costs!

* Visit Sesame Street

I do love Bert and Ernie.  I look up to Big Bird.  I identify with Oscar the Grouch many days.  But as much as I care for these wonderful characters, I have to acknowledge my pupaphobia - fear of puppets, or in this case - muppets.

* Read the Oxford English Dictionary

Everyone should leaf through a dictionary from time to time.  It's important to no howe to spelle wurdes.  I thought I might actually take on the Oxford English Dictionary until I discovered I had hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - fear of long words.

* Actually, Doing Much of Anything Else...

Do you remember the Peanuts Christmas special where Charlie Brown goes to Lucy for psychiatric advice?  She proceeds to list quite a number of fears from which he might be suffering.  Then she finally comes to pantophobia - the fear of everything - and Charlie Brown explodes in self-recognition, "That's it!"  Well, that's me too!

Thanks for letting me share some of my phobias with you!  Here's to do absolutely nothing of significance with your life!

My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Would Never Ever Do! (Part 1)

January 29, 2014

A bucket list is a list of things you would like to do or accomplish before you die.  The origins of the term in all probability come from another turn of phrase - "kick the bucket," i.e. to die.  This term became especially popular in 2007 when the movie, "The Bucket List," starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, came out.

Lots of people have bucket lists.  There are quite a number of websites dedicated to collecting and compiling such lists.  This blog post is not one of those.  My list is an "Anti-Bucket List."  It is a list of things I would never, ever do - even if you paid me, which of course, you won't.  You see, I'm not a proud man.  I will readily admit that I embrace many fears and anxieties.  Rather than viewing these phobias as a character flaw, I see them as protecting me from my own foolishness, and therein keeping me alive much, much longer than those people who have actual bucket lists.  Who knows when one of the items on such a list is going to backfire on you and drastically shorten you life?

I won't draw this out much further.  Here is ...

My Anti-Bucket List: Things I Would Never, Ever Do!

* Skydive

Are you kidding me???  Jump out of a perfectly good plane going 120 m.p.h. at 10,000 feet in the air with only a piece of well-folded fabric to save you from certain death?  I don't think so.  Plus, I have severe acrophobia - the fear of heights.

* Get a tattoo

My belly button and freckles are the only body art that I need.  I also suffer from aichmophobia - the fear of needles.

* Swim with sharks

Have you seen those flimsy little metal cages that are supposed to protect you while you swim with the world's most dangerous fish?  I've seen Jaws and that's as close as I want to be to a great white.  Besides I have ichthyophobia, which is the fear of fish; and then there is also my phagophobia - the fear of being eaten.  I have no intention of being some shark's appetizer. 

* Go on a cruise

Can you say, "Norovirus?"  I watch the news.  I know how many of these behemoth ships end up stranded in the middle of the ocean with no power, water or working toilets.  Like I'm going to pay a $1,000+ dollars for that experience.  Anyway, I have my thalassophobia to cope with, which is the fear of oceans and deep water.  I get seasick just going to the beach for an afternoon.

* Run a marathon

Me?  Run a marathon?  Hahahaha!!!  I came in last in a Kingsport Fun Run Race back when Lynn and I were first dating.  In any event, I am a student of history.  I know what happened to Pheidippides - the very first marathon runner.  He died at the end of his race.  I will continue to just walk, thank you very much.  And, as you might imagine, I also suffer from thanatophobia - the fear of dying.

* Visit every continent

Antarctica has already been conquered.  Australia is mostly hot, arid desert.  Then there is the matter of my hodophobia - the fear of travel itself.  Home, sweet home, I say.

* Go on a safari in Africa

I am no Teddy Roosevelt.  In fact, I am no hunter of any sort.  While I do have the desire to see the beautiful and exotic animals of Africa, the National Zoo and a camera will have to do.  Did I mention that I have agrizoophobia - the fear of wild animals, especially those roaming loose on the Serengeti.

* Climb Mount Everest

In May 1953, Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay stood alone together at the very top of the world.  These days, the summit is more congested than Washington, D.C. traffic.  In 2012, 236 people reached the peak in a single day.  If I wanted to stand in lines, I would go to Disney World.  There is also the matter of my altophobia, the fear of heights.  Mount Everest is over 29,000 feet.  I get queazy standing on a step ladder.

* Go paintballing

What is it with guys who like to have fun shooting things at each other?  As a kid, I loved to play "war" and shoot suction cup darts at my friends, but I gave that up when I was 11 or 12.  Paintballing at age 53?  I'll pass.  There is also the matter of my ballistophobia - the fear of being shot.  Considering that every day in the U.S. an average of 289 people are shot - a fear such as this is well founded.

* Shoot a gun

I have never, ever shot a firearm.  Nor do I ever want to.  Simple as that - that, and hoplophobia - the fear of guns, which in my opinion is a reasonable fear to have.  Also, see ballistophobia above.

* Spend New Year’s Eve in Times Square

My daughter, Cora, has done this.  That is sufficient for me.  I'll live through her experience.  Besides, you have to get to Times Square very early and stand in the freezing cold for hours upon end.  Did I mention that there aren't any bathrooms?  So you've either got to hold it, or buy a supply of Depends.  I should also mention that I suffer from chronophobia - the fear of time itself.  I don't need a crystal ball reminding me that yet another year has passed in my life.  Live for today, I say.  Carpe diem!

Part 2 of My Anti-Bucket List Tomorrow!

Cheers,

Steve

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